Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
Iím a 36-year-old guy and Iíve been seriously involved with a woman for almost a year. We get along great, never fight, and have a very comfortable relationship. The problem is that our sex life bores me. Itís not the frequency of sex, itís the quality. It comes up in a variety of ways, from my girlfriend not being a very good kisser, to how she responds to the more adventurous stuff. I was single for almost 10 years before meeting her, and in that time, I developed a taste for some kinky stuff ó spanking, talking dirty, and some light bondage. Sheís certainly willing to do these things, but I find her responses rather flat. I donít think sheís going along with it just to please me, but I donít get the sense that sheís turned on by these things the same way I am.
Iíve tried to be patient and let her come into this at her own pace. Iíve also tried to let her show me her sexuality, but Iím still left wanting more, and the situation seems to be getting worse, as I find Iím less inclined even to try anymore, and less interested in sex with her.
ó Bored with an Angel
It sounds like you really care for each other, yet this is an area beyond Dr. Lovemonkeyís abilities. This might be a case for counseling with a sexuality specialist. Perhaps you can find some middle ground. If you are both willing to give it a shot (and it sounds like you are), please try this.
(Note: "Culturally Confused" wrote last week to explain that she was on the verge of becoming engaged to a Pakistani man who desired, after marriage, that they move to Pakistan to live in an extended family-type situation. A reader comments here on the letter and my advice.)
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I read your response to "Culturally Confused," and I wanted to throw my two cents in. I love your column, but your assessment ó "Pakistan is one of the more dangerous places on earth" ó was ignorant and based entirely on the propaganda of the US media. I am half-American and half-Pakistani, and believe me when I say that if I go to Karachi, my home city, it is perfectly safe. If I go to rural and tribal areas, I would not be as safe. That said, I would like to let "Culturally Confused" know that she should not go ahead with this marriage unless she has taken a few very serious points into account.
1) If she were to have children in Pakistan, they would be half-white and half-brown. Because she is American, they would grow up knowing all about the wonders of the US without being able to experience them. Being that kind of bi-racial child myself, I know it is a difficult way to grow up.
2) All my motherís friends were American women married to Pakistani men, and out of all of them, only one couple is still married. Unfortunately, the reality is that America and Pakistan are culturally worlds apart. Pakistani men tend to grow more traditional as they get older. This is fine for a Pakistani woman who has grown up in this culture and is traditionally prepared to behave in a certain fashion, but for an American woman, it would be very difficult.
3) Her children would have to grow up Muslim. I am Muslim, though not orthodox, and not all Muslims are as fanatical as CNN portrays, but she may have a need to have her children grow up following her faith. Should her children be raised Muslim, she would have to monitor their teachings since the religion in Pakistan is usually taught by religious fanatics.
4) Living with her husbandís family will not be up for negotiation. It is the sonís job to live in the house with his parents. Both him and his brother have familial obligations, and it would be unfair in the eyes of his family for her to ask him to give this up.
5) If she does in the end plan on going back, I would urge her to learn to speak Urdu. It is a very difficult language. But if she doesnít learn it, she will perpetually be a target for anyone in her husbandís family and beyond.
ó Minessa A.M.
Thank you, Minessa. Your informed contribution is greatly appreciated.
Send questions and romantic quandaries to RUDYCHEEKS@prodigy.net
Issue Date: April 23 - 29, 2004
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